NEW HUMOR AND SITES FROM GREG BULMASH

As I write this last column before my Christmas break
My heart it is hurting, my heart it does ache
But I leave you this message with great love and great cheer
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL... and I'll see ya next year!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
Shoppers were busy, speeding around
A gift for Aunt Martha, a bathrobe for dad
And a Tickle-Me Elmo was not to be had

I was buckled tight into my seatbelt with hope
That I had not yet reached the end of my rope
And with a great twist, my car key did turn
From my driveway I sped, and I made rubber burn

And through the bright streets, all covered with lights
I sped like a rabbit, all shiv'ring with fright
I searched high and low, through the streets I did weave
To find a store open this late Christmas Eve.

The toy shop was closing, I raced to the door
I begged and I pleaded, I cried and implored
But I was condemned, some more I would roam
For all the employees were going straight home

Home was the place that I wanted to be
But alas there was nothing but air neath the tree
So I sped to the Wal-Mart for some last minute shopping
The parking was jammed, the store it was hopping

I pressed into the store through an exiting crowd
A large mass of people, all noisy and loud
Like locusts these people had shopped with great care
And left all the shelves quite empty and bare

I found an employee who stood by the door,
And grabbed at his vest, lifting him from the floor
"Just five measly gifts! I don't care what they are!
I'll give you my wallet! I'll give you my car!"

"We have nothing left," the poor man did squeak.
"We won't get a shipment 'til later this week."
I ran to my car and cursed at my luck
I kicked at the tire and then shouted "F**k!!!"

But time was a wasting as darkness fell down
Merchants were closing all over the town
The toy store, the book store, the Wal-Mart, oh crap!
The Good Guys and Best Buy, the Sears and the Gap

And now I was feeling the worst of my fears
My children would hate me for twenty-five years
A sign in the distance made me thank the powers
For written upon it: "Open 24 Hours"

For Tommy a Slurpee, for Ann a Slim Jim
And a carton of Camels for my lovely wife, Kim
Some lottery tickets for Mom and for Dad
And Penthouse and Playboy for my brother, Brad

In just a few minutes I got my shopping done
And headed right home for some holiday fun
As I turned at the corner and drove out of sight
I thanked 7-11 for being open all night!