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December 12, 1996

The GBHP Christmas Survival Quiz
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.


1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you...

  1. jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!"
  2. jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!"
  3. grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.

2: Finish this famous line from a Christmas tradition: "On..."

  1. "a gada da vida."
  2. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..."
  3. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!"

3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?

  1. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
  2. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
  3. A reindeer, stupid!

4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means...

  1. He's Santa!
  2. He's got a facial tick!
  3. He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants!

5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?

  1. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood.
  2. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter.
  3. When all the little boys and girls are asleep.


6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts. What do you do?

  1. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right?
  2. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have.
  3. Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka!

7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is...

  1. why you don't believe in God anymore.
  2. politics.
  3. the weather.

8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to answer, you...

  1. turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.
  2. say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted.
  3. lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't remember a thing in the morning.

9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we now our gay apparrel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You...

  1. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.
  2. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him.
  3. start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it.

10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this Christmas is...

  1. It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it.
  2. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video left in the store.
  3. ID4 (Independence Day)... because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.


As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.

10-22 Points:

In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in for a bad Christmas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister" kind of Christmas. Then again, Christmas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it.

24-38 Points:

You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You're going to need it.

40-50 Points:

You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane Christmas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt.




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