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November 14, 1996

The GBHP Advisor - Vol. VII
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

The GBHP Advisor is here to answer your questions on the complex issues that affect your daily life. All the names have been changed because, well, I generally come up with most of the questions myself. But if you have a question for the GBHP Advisor, just drop it in the mail to

When I'm slow dancing with women, they often like to say "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" When I tell them it's a gun, they freak out. I mean, I am glad to see them, but I've always believed that honesty is the best policy. What should I do?
           --Frank H.

Well, though I usually wouldn't say this to most people, I'd recommend that you only slow dance with women who are more heavily armed than you are. Call your local chapter of the National Rifle Association and find out if they're planning a singles night. Just be careful. If her arsenal is significantly bigger than yours, it could bring up some Freudian issues between you.

I think my cat is planning to kill me. I can't prove it, but I found a to-do list and the items on it were "nap, nap some more, destroy couch, take another nap, kill she who controls the can opener, nap again." I think it's my cat's, but the handwriting sample he gave me doesn't match. Is he innocent or is he just a really smart cat?
           --Jenny D.

Get out of the house now!!! Run to the nearest police station and tell them exactly what you told me. They'll be more than happy to place you in protective custody while they deal with that evil feline.

I tried that experiment of putting a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters and letting them have at it to see if one might type Hamlet's soliloquy. So far no Shakespeare, but one did write a sequel to "Showgirls" and it's really good. In fact it's superior to the original. I showed it to a friend, but he said it wasn't surprising because any monkey could write a better movie than "Showgirls." What do you think?
           --Joe E.

I think your friend is right, and unfortunately quality, originality, and talent aren't often high priorities in Hollywood. But hey, get him an agent anyway. If you can also train him to throw darts, he might just become head of programming for Fox.

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