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October 14, 1996

By Any Other Name
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

Sometimes I hate my name. I hate being called Greg. You see, a name brings up associations in people's minds. It can define you. And what are the first words out of someone's mouth when they do a little free association on my name? "Greg Brady." Yeah, thanks. Greg says "groovy." Greg turns the attic into a hippie love nest and is one of the few white guys with a 'fro. Greg's the guy a bunch of women in their thirties had a crush on, but got over it. I'm honestly thinking of changing my name.

Chuck and Mitch would be good names if it weren't for that stupid "Name Game" song. Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck, banana fana fo... Well, you get the idea.

Dave? Dave's not here.

I sort of like Nick. Sure, some people complain it sounds like something you do to yourself while shaving, but Nick's a tough name. Nicky Fingers, Nick the Greek. Nick's a bad-ass. You don't mess with Nick or he'll break your kneecaps.

Nick usually hangs out with Vince. Vince, unlike Nick, is the smooth guy. Vince has a sense of style. He irons his bowling shirt.

Rick is okay, but it's short for Richard, and Richard's short-form is Dick. Having my name, "short," and "dick" all in the same sentence is not something I'd enjoy.

Bob, Art, Miles, Matt, Russel, Bill... too many "what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs" jokes hooked to those.

Gilligan? Uh, no.

I thought about Walt. It's a good name. Walt's one of those names that sounds good with tools. Give Walt a block of wood and a whittling knife and he'll give you back a duck. But it just wasn't unique enough.

So what to call myself? I pondered it for a long time. I wanted a name that was out of the ordinary, heroic. I started scanning classical literature. I went through the names of gods, demi-gods, knights, princes, and finally settled on a new name. And one of these days I'm gonna do it, I'm going to have it legally changed to... Ivanhoe.

But in the meantime you can still call me Greg.

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