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October 10, 1996

Bring Me The Head Of Fabio
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I bet each and every one of you can name a celebrity that qualifies as a "head-off."

Don't know what that is? Well, it's someone you find so annoying, that you feel a strong urge to snap their damn head off.

Aha! I hear the little bell ringing. The light has gone on in the refrigerator of your mind. You do know of a head-off or two. Perhaps you just fantasized about using Michael Bolton's hair to tie him to the rear bumper of a bus to Palookaville.

Unfortunately, it's often not the head-off's fault that we hate them. Michael Bolton could possibly be tolerated in small doses, but the mellow hits station they force you to listen to at work plays him 20 times a day and that idiot in the cubicle next to you sings along every time. And right after you snap the head off the idiot, you're going to go gunning for Michael Bolton. Think about it. The Macarena is actually a catchy little ditty, but the next time I hear it, someone's head is leaving their body.

Sometimes it's not necessarily what they do, but what they represent. I consider Divine Brown (better known as Hugh Grant's Hooker) a head-off because of the message her stardom sends to kids. "Hey, you don't need talent, good looks, or an education. You can even have a criminal record. All you need to do to be a media sensation is get caught with the right dick in your mouth."

And that's not even her fault. It's the fault of everyone who glorified her by paying for interviews and offering her roles in commercials and movies. That's why I loved it when that British paper got burned this week on the fake tape of Princess Di in a royal romp. For a moment I believed karmic payback actually exists.

But there are some head-offs... well, it's just them. Fran Drescher doesn't have to be famous. She doesn't have to be on TV 85 times a week, on every billboard in every mall. All she has to do is talk for two minutes in that voice of her's and... ngggah... my hands are reaching for her neck. Come on, if I were on a Carnival Cruise and ran into Cathie Lee Gifford, she'd be shark bait the moment she said "Aww, Rege." And I'd hire child labor to chop her up.

So why are there so many head-offs in the media? When these people are so widely hated, why are we subjected to Tiffany, Milli Vanilli, Pauly Shore? Why are people who think, "yeah, Carnie Wilson should have a talk show" not under the strictly regulated care of mental health professionals? It's because of focus groups. Every day the media moguls grab a few people off the street and let them call the shots. Essentially our media is controlled by people who fall into the category known as "those who have nothing better to do."

It's disgusting. It's annoying. And it makes it even harder to decide whose head to snap off first.



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