NEW HUMOR AND SITES FROM GREG BULMASH

Why does it matter to me if supermodels are married?

Of course, besides being something for the clothes, bikinis, or products to look good on, next to, or around, supermodels are supposed to inspire our fantasies, generally sexual. I doubt there's a straight man who hasn't had a sexual thought about some famous model or poster girl.

So why does it matter to me if they're married?

Basically it comes from a really strange line of reasoning... "If they love their husbands, I've got no chance."

REALITY CHECK! If they were single, available, and looking, I've STILL got no chance. But isn't that what the media is all about? The bread and butter of the theater, the suspension of disbelief? If I can believe that Jeff Goldblum could use his Powerbook to cripple an alien mothership, why can't I believe that I could get a date with Miss July?

It's silly, and crazy, and stupid. Yet it's not only part of my psychological makeup, it's in our cultural makeup. It has to be or all this junk wouldn't be so effective. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I believe that I might one day be cuddling by a fireplace with Liv Tyler or Courtney Cox. Just like when I buy lottery tickets, there's this voice saying "hey, it could happen." Yeah, it could. And when it does I'll also get rich off of selling winter coats in Hell.

But this isn't a male characteristic only. The recent heavy sigh of disappointment heard round the world as JFK Junior tied the knot proves that women are just as gullible. Oh no, JFK Junior is off the market! That means that he won't come swooping into the life of Selma Beeder to add glamour, passion, romance, and a man who doesn't scratch his ass in public.

Let's face it, Selma had as much chance with John John as I do with Vendela. But that didn't stop her and it doesn't stop me. Fantasies are important to us. They take us away from the drudgery of our daily lives. If we were living in a constant reality check, we would go insane. If we tried to think realistically, fantasize about people we thought we had a chance of snagging, most women would be dreaming about the guy who played Screech on "Saved By The Bell." And then they'd wake up screaming.

Fantasizing is healthy as long as we do one thing. Even though I fantasize about many beautiful women, I always try to keep one fantasy above them in priority, one fantasy as the prominent one. And that fantasy doesn't have a name or a face... yet.

There's something we have to remember, a piece of wisdom I'd like to pass on in all seriousness as we start into the second year of my column. You can call me an "old softy" or a "hopeless romantic," but when you truly love someone and they love you, you're both beautiful. And no matter who tops the present list of women in my fantasy life, it is the woman who will someday be beautiful to me in that way in my real life who is my ultimate fantasy.