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September 23, 1996

Sinner? Me?
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

Tonight, as I write this, it's the first part of Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of atonement. Tonight and tomorrow, Jews around the world are taking a last chance to repent for their sins and hope that God will give them good things in the coming year. So I thought that I'd take this opportunity to examine my sins.

Not wanting to define sins myself, I decided to go with the Ten Commandments. And not knowing the Ten Commandments by heart (though I do know the Seven Dwarves by heart -- odd what we find important), I looked them up... in a bible I stole out of a hotel room. Not a good start.

1: You shall have no other gods before me.

Even though those Scientologists can be pretty persuasive, I'm cool on this one.

2: You shall not make for yourself a carved image -- any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; You shall not bow down to them nor serve them.

Okay, I drew Cubby to try to get an art school scholarship, but I don't think that counts.

3: You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

Guilty. Boy am I guilty. If saying "G-d dammit" was a felony and they stacked sentences, I'd be serving about 3,400 years just for the night my computer crashed.

4: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

When you go to Israel, they have elevators automatically stopping on every floor on Saturdays, because pushing a button is technically work that violates the Sabbath. If that's so, my TV remote is a tool of the Devil.

5: Honor your father and mother.

This one's tough. God never had a father. He never had to pull anyone's finger or listen to really gross jokes. Guilty, but with an explanation.

6: You shall not murder.

I'm clean on this one... unless spiders count. But legally murder is defined as requiring premeditation. I don't pre-plan spider deaths. I just see them, freak, and WHAM! Thus I could always plead temporary insanity. I'd call it the "heebie-jeebies" defense.

7: You shall not commit adultery.

Luckily only the Catholics make it a sin just to want to commit a sin. In Judaism, as far as I know, I'd actually have to get laid. So I'm clean, but not voluntarily.

8: You shall not steal.

Okay! Okay! I'll come clean. I haven't registered some of my shareware. Whoa. I feel so much better now.

9: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Not saying I wouldn't, but I haven't received a subpoena yet.

10: You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, servants, ox, donkey, and other stuff.

Now, if my neighbor was married to Courtney Cox, that might be a problem. But his house is like mine, his wife (though a nice lady) is a bit old for me, he doesn't have any servants, and our street isn't zoned for livestock.

So, in the final analysis, my sin inventory isn't too bad. In fact, I'm supposed to be fasting right now as part of the atonement process, but I think I could get away with a snack. Then again, is it really worth going to Hell over a bag of Corn Nuts? I guess that's a question every man has to answer for himself.



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