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September 16, 1996

A Matter Of Equality
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

Recently, a teen was suspended from high school in Burlington, Vermont because he wears dresses to school. I think this is horribly unfair and I wholeheartedly support his actions. You see, it's a men's rights issue. Despite all our striving for equality in America, we men are still second class citizens, victims of a double-standard.

First thing I want to complain about is the fact that my nipples don't count. A guy can take his shirt off anywhere. Who cares? Nipples? Big deal. But female nipples will apparently cause locusts, frogs, plagues... We're talking Old-Testament, biblical retribution. The waters of the Mississippi will run red like the Nile if we don't keep our women clothed in public. That's why we buy magazines, why we go to topless bars, why we'll sit through movies with bad dialogue and even worse acting, just to see women's nipples. My nipples aren't worth a damn, but apparently female nipples are worth a $10 cover and a two-drink minimum. So to start with, I'd like society to stop devaluing my nipples.

Next are my periods. I have them. It's a biological fact. Just like women, men have a monthly peak in our hormonal cycles. Only our hormone is testosterone. We get aggressive, sexual desire increases, and there is a higher incidence of acne. Bloating, bleeding, cramping? Big deal. We're pissed. We're horny. And we've got zits. But do we get any sympathy? Can we punch someone who calls us "pizza face" and get away with it? No chance, buster.

And when it comes to fashion... A woman in a pair of boxers and an open Arrow shirt looks sexy. A man in boxers and an open Arrow shirt looks half-dressed. A girl goes to school dressed like a lumberjack and no one says a word. A boy goes to school dressed like a ballerina and all hell breaks loose.

Now I'm not saying I'd ever want to wear a tu-tu or a skirt. But I wasn't raised that way. I'm a victim of my socialization, having grown up wearing pants and playing with guns. Instead, it's the principle of the matter. We men aren't fighting for ourselves. It's going to take a long time for society to change. But someday, in the future, our sons will relish the rights we've won for them.

They'll live in a truly equal society where men can be just like women and vice versa. And as you watch your son put on his first pair of high heels and a leather mini, carefully covering his now commercially valuable nipples as he prepares for his date with Mary-Beth, the quarterback of the football team, you'll be proud you joined in the fight. Just don't say anything about that zit on his forehead or he might slug you, because deep down he'll still be a man... and it's that time of the month.

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