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September 12, 1996

The Death of the Blonde
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I would like to note something I've observed recently. America is losing its fascination with blondes. They're not quite as sexy anymore.

I first noticed this when looking at NBC's Thursday night line-up, arguably the most popular block of programming on TV. Three hours, 23 main characters, and 5 blondes, 3 of whom are on E.R. And, of these characters, the blondes are always less sexually successful than at least one or more of their same-sex dark-haired counterparts. Compare Anthony Edwards' sex life to George Clooney's, Sherry Stringfield's to Juliana Margulies', Lisa Kudrow's to Jennifer Aniston's, or Joey Slotnick's to Johnathan Silverman's.

The only large role given to a blonde in this summer's biggest movie, "Independence Day," was Bill Pullman as the president. As well as the casting implications, there are staggering Freudian implications. The Jewish man and the Black man enter through a giant tunnel (vagina) into the staging area (womb) of the "mother" ship, where they fire the big and powerful missle (penis). And once they've literally shot their load, they're in a hurry to pull out and go home. The blonde, Christian male gets the second-choice target. And when his weak and ineffective missle (penis) fails to do the job, it's the dark-haired Randy Quaid that finally takes care of business by flying his plane (penis) into the opening (vagina), which causes the ship to explode in an orgasm of flame.

When it's not dark-haired men proving they're more virile than blondes, dark-haired women are outperforming blondes on the sexy scale. Demi Moore's "Striptease," a really bad movie about a stripper, did more business than Elizabeth Berkeley's "Showgirls," another really bad movie about a stripper. Jeaneane Garofalo, admittedly cute in her own sort of way, beat out Uma Thurman for the guy in "The Truth About Cats & Dogs."

The only exception in this summer's "big" films was when Helen Hunt beat out Jami Gertz for the love/affection of Bill Paxton in "Twister." But that wasn't really fair to dark-haired women. Jami Gertz had no chance against Helen Hunt because, well, she's Jami Gertz.

Am I disappointed about this turn of events? You would think not. I'm not blonde and I actually prefer women with dark hair. But when you think about that Thursday night thing... "Caroline In The City," which had a blonde leading man, has been replaced with "Suddenly Susan," in which Judd Nelson plays the leading man. And any trend that gives us more Judd Nelson cannot be a good thing.

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