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September 5, 1996

The GBHP Advisor - Vol. VI
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I'm having trouble explaining current events to my kids. Do you
know a way to put things in words they can understand?

Why not try phrasing the events as nursery rhymes?...

      Old Mr. Sadaam started some bedlam
      Joining some Kurds in a fray
      But along came a Clinton who wasn't just hintin'
      And he blew Mr. Sadaam away.


      Morris, Morris, Clinton handler
      Had a wife but couldn't stand her
      He took a whore to a hotel
      And there she screwed him very well

For the last month now, I've been hearing about this Macarena.
What is the Macarena and where did it come from?

No one really knows exactly where it came from. The actual word, Macarena, dates back to the Moorish name given to a convulsive disorder contracted in North Africa by Spanish Crusaders in the 11th century, literally meaning "white people dance badly."

But don't worry, scientists across the country are working on a cure at this very moment. Right now, the battle against the Macarena is being led by the IEAS (Institute for the Eradication of Annoying Songs) who were at the forefront of curing the outbreak of ABHLDS (Achey Breaky Heart Line Dancing Syndrome) a few years back.

They're racing the clock, though, trying to find a suitable treatment before the Macarena's incubation period ends and it goes out of vogue, at which point a number of people who have been infected with the Macarena may well die of embarrassment. Right now, our only tools in preventing the spread of the Macarena are education (such as the public service announcement campaign "This is you looking cool. This is you doing the Macarena. Any questions?") and, of course, uncomfortable shoes.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If I want to serve
a meal that's really going to get a man's heart, what's the best menu?

Try a double cheesburger, onion rings, and a hot fudge sundae. According to most doctors, that should get his heart but good.

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