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September 2, 1996

Meanwhile, Eat Dirt!
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

There are many advice columnists in the world... Abby, Ann Landers, even Dr. Joyce Brothers. But none of them would tell a reader to eat dirt. That's where Dotti Primrose comes in. Billed as "America's Most Outspoken Advice Columnist," she not only would, she has.

Dotti caters to that segment of the population that reads the Weekly World News. To give you an example of her readership, let's look at a sampling of the September 3 edition. Well, we have a couple of stories about life on Mars, natch, and of course a few ways to tell if what you've always suspected is true and your dentist really is a demon from Hell. And the ads are wonderful... lucky amulets, a magic doll that grants you three wishes (for only $12.95), and LaToya Jackson's Psychic Network.

So Dotti helps these people with their problems, and she caters to their mindset. A woman asking if she should go on a cruise was told to watch a few re-runs of "The Love Boat" to see what a waste of time cruises are... because "The Love Boat" so accurately depicts real life, I guess.

But hey, this is the same woman they believe may well buy a magic three-wishes doll. She'll get a good look at Gopher hitting on Barbi Benton, appreciate how right Dotti was, and maybe spend that vacation fund as Dotti's fellow WWN columnist, Ed Anger, suggests... arming herself against evil aliens.

Yet, you can't blame Dotti for telling reader Bambi to eat dirt. Bambi's fifteen and called Dotti a pinhead. Though Dotti looks easily three times that age, hey, Bambi started it. It was a short, simple reply that gave Dotti time to get to more pressing problems than teen drinking and sex, like the woman whose boyfriend picks his nose (and eats it).

It's the straight dope from a columnist who's not afraid to resort to levels of immaturity heretofore unknown in other advice columns, for a readership that can't distinguish the difference between TV and real life, and may well be mourning the fact that the world's oldest werewolf killed himself.

But this could soon come to an end. According to page 42, your kids can boost their IQ's by tugging their ears and rubbing their faces. And with this new crop of geniuses, Dotti may well have no one left to read her column. But I'm not holding my breath while I wait... even if it does burn more calories than running.

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