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August 20, 1996

...In All The Wrong Places
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

When I first got online in '94, I was curious. I posted a couple of ads to alt.personals and such and had an LDR that ended strangely with an almost Kerouac'ish touch. So, deciding it might make good fodder for a column, I checked out for the first time in a looooong time. And after sifting through 700+ articles, this is what I came up with...

The winner for the "huh?" ad of the night was this one:

Hi I'm looking for some female to write to as I think I have done enough writing to. I'm from [deleted] and I am doing a law degree. Hopefully I'll finish but I don't think so, maybe if I stop clowning around I'll get somewhere. Anyway I look forward in hearing from you.

This guy apparently didn't realize that if a woman wants an incoherent man who will settle for anyone, she doesn't have to look online. She can just go to any bar around closing time.

And, of course the quality of flames has really gone down the tubes. It actually made me miss Patricia Martin Steward. In response to a woman asking for funny jokes or stories for a book, one man wrote "This pig, is an gatherer." Just goes to prove what a great edyookaishin we're providing in our Amuricun skoolz.

Such schools might be attended by the teenage boy who wanted a female sex partner who could meet him at the mall... probably because that's about as far from his house as he can skateboard.

Overall, it seemed that men were pretty willing to prove how stupid they were. One web site advertised itself as a place where married people looking for extramarital affairs could post ads. I went and checked it out and there were ads from over 50 men, some with pictures. Yeah, this would be a good place for the spamming detective agency to find leads on potential clients... like these guys' wives.

Some of the ads were just funny in their subject lines. "Nice Guys Get Lonely Too!" Ya know, I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years. I always thought nice guys never had problems finding women. Color me surprised. But, if he's willing to bend over, he could get some company from the "enema pro" who makes free housecalls, plus he could significantly lower that high Purity Test score he noted in his ad.

But my favorite ad of the night was ostensibly an offer of employment. "WANTED: Nude Housekeeper to do housework." A stringy mop, a bottle of Pine-Sol, and thou... in the buff.

Who says romance is dead?

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