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August 19, 1996

Leader Of The Bandwagon
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I got my first tattoo in January of 1987. Back then very few people were tattooed. By the time I got my third in '92, it was a growing fad.

It is impossible to stay on the fringe anymore. If you're not mainstream, some celebrity is going to make some aspect of your appearance or mannerisms famous. Tattoos, goatees, piercing, "Junkie Chic," you name it... And when the celebrity does it, everyone copies them. Whatever you did is now a cliche and will soon become passe.

So, with the 9.5 year old Betty Boop on my left bicep proving my fashion leadership, I thought I'd take a stab at predicting some of the trends of the next five years...

The New Cyber-Chic: 1997, the year of the Cyber-Punk starts a stupid trend of people getting "Intel Inside" tattooed on their foreheads. The few unlucky ones who are dumb enough to opt for the "Powered By Pentium" tattoo will have to get their foreheads upgraded the next year.

Love Handles: In 1998, People magazine will proclaim "Chunky Is Hunky" as they name ER's Jerry & Malik (Abraham Benrubi & Dearon Thompson) the sexiest men alive. Richard Simmons will get rich off a revived interest in his "Sweating To The Oldies" videos as an adult rental.

Vampire Teeth: In 1999 some psychologically unstable celebrity takes an Anne Rice fetish too far and gets his teeth covered with sharp porcelain extensions. The public will make dentists the fad doctors of the year as they all go for their $2,000 Vamp Caps!

Uniforms: The "Cheers" Reunion Special in 2000 makes mailman Cliff Claven (John Ratzenberger) the year's most unlikely fashion plate. Though licensed imitations are available in stores across the country, the real thing is at a premium, causing a rash of strip-muggings among the nation's postal carriers.

Hanna-Barbera Chic: In 2001, fully into the next millenium, everyone wants to be like the Jetsons. Robot maids named Rosie are ordered by the tens of thousands off the Sharper Image web site, and if you're not wearing a "Property of Spacely Space Sprockets" t-shirt to the gym, you might as well save yourself the embarrassment and not go at all.

If you want to be hip, don't wait for it to happen. Go out and start setting these trends now. Sure, everyone you know will think you're stupid, but when each of these becomes the "thing to do," you'll be in the forefront of fashion!




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