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August 15, 1996

Lies & Mistruths
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

Warning: The following column contains material some people may find offensive.

I don't know if it's Freud's fault or Queen Victoria's fault, but many of us in English-speaking lands, particularly America, find it impossible to talk about sex using words that actually mean what we're trying to say.

Think about a woman. She's promiscuous and she's had sex with every guy in town. But no one says it. They say "Jane has slept with every guy in town." Now, because of a cultural understanding, we know what it's supposed to mean, but it could also mean she has a penchant for taking naps and doesn't like to do so without male companionship.

Come on, people. Don't tell me "Bill and Danielle are sleeping together." That's a lie. There's no sleeping involved. Don't tell me they're "screwing" or that he's "nailing her." That's not sex, that's carpentry. And don't call it the "sex act." There's only a need for acting if one of the people isn't very good.

We have so many words for referring to our naughty parts in English slang. And this does not even include all the men who actually name their penis as if it needed an identification for tax purposes. "'Dependents?' One. 'Dependent's name?' Mr. Happy."

And then when we're not embarrassed, we tend to exaggerate. [Blank]ing anyone's brains out is just about impossible unless it actually results in a severe cranial fracture. If a woman could really "suck the chrome off a trailer hitch" and applied that same power to me, I'd lose skin.

Let's face it, if we used a lot of the slang words solely with their slang meanings, this would be a very strange world. If I saw a "salami" hanging in a deli window, I'd call the police. If Dan was in town while his "cock" was strutting around the barnyard, I'd call a priest.

I'm not asking for much. Let's just say what we mean and mean what we say. I swear, If I hear one more person using one of these blatantly inaccurate sexual euphemisms, well, I'm just going to lose my lunch.

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