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August 9, 1996

QUIZ FRIDAY: The GBHP Maturity Quiz
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

Okay, we're all supposed to get in touch with our inner children. So when we do, does that entitle us to call people "doody-head" and say things like "oh yeah, make me?" How mature are we really? Take the GBHP maturity quiz and find out...

1: Your boss refuses you a promotion you really wanted. How do you handle it?

  1. Resolve to work harder between now and the next opportunity.
  2. Go somewhere private, have a tantrum, then spend the day in a snit.
  3. Call him at two a.m. and ask "is there a John in the house?"

2: A sign of maturity is having credit. What's your situation like?

  1. One or two credit cards, used sparingly.
  2. A few cards, paid off every few months.
  3. Seven cards and they're all maxed.

3: Grandma knitted you a sweater that seems to have used every color at the yarn store. This causes you to...

  1. pretend you love it and thank her profusely.
  2. wonder about how you can get out of ever wearing it.
  3. wonder about what medication she's taking and how you can get some.

4: A place I've always wanted to visit is...

  1. Paris, because it's romantic.
  2. New York, because it's the city that never sleeps.
  3. Cucamonga, because I like to say Cucamonga.

5: I've always wanted to learn to...

  1. paint landscapes.
  2. drive race cars.
  3. gargle "La Bamba."

6: When my friends and I go to the ballet, we...

  1. admire the beautiful dancing.
  2. try to imitate the dancing as we walk to our cars.
  3. bet on which guys are stuffing their tights.

7: My favorite old-time singer is...

  1. Frank Sinatra
  2. Little Richard
  3. Doodles Weaver

8: When someone asks what I'd like to be doing in ten years, I answer...

  1. "running my own business."
  2. "I don't even know what I'll be doing in ten days."
  3. [said as sarcastically as possible] "breathing."

9: After a party, I usually...

  1. help clean up.
  2. grab the closest cute person and head home.
  3. drool and babble incoherently until I pass out.

10: You're driving along and see the guy in the lane next to you picking his nose. What goes through your mind?

  1. "Ewwww!"
  2. "Good penetration, nice digging technique... 8.5!"
  3. "Eat it! Eat it!"

Scoring The Quiz

As always, the scoring is simple. Give yourself 1 point for every A, 3 points for every B, and 5 points for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.

10-18 Points

You're very mature. In fact you're that "way too calm, way too nice, probably has dead bodies in the basement" kind of mature. Cut loose every once in a while. Forget responsibility and society's expectations. Or at least pretend to do it. People are getting suspicious.

20-34 Points

You are mature enough to meet society's expectations, but that little bit of kid still left in you is malnourished. You haven't said "hey, pull my finger" in years, and you always cover your mouth when you burp. You even feel guilty about laughing at the campfire scene in "Blazing Saddles." All of that's well and good, but who are you kidding? You have the impulse to grab stuff and say "mine!" You know you secretly have a thing for at least one of the Power Rangers. Give in to it.

36-48 Points

Okay. We have a nice case of an active and powerful inner child here. Perhaps too powerful. May I remind you that Pop-Tarts are not one of the four basic food groups, that "whoever smelt it dealt it" will not stand up in a court of law, and no, whatever you're looking at would not make a great bong.

50 Points

Shut-up, Beavis.


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