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August 1, 1996

The GBHP Advisor - vol IV
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

What's worse, root canals or upgrades?

Upgrades. And to prove it, here are five reasons why root canals are better than upgrades...

5: Root canals work on all mouths, regardless of configuration.

4: They don't issue a new root canal every 6 months.

3: Prior to a root canal, your dentist doesn't warn you to back up your mouth.

2: After a root canal, you're not required to go out and buy a whole new set of 32-bit teeth to get optimal performance.

1: If unexpected complications set in, your dentist doesn't call them "features."

Where do the characters go when I hit Delete?

Well, in the old days, they were thrown away. But seeing the potential for environmental disaster early on, Bill Gates (public-spirited guy that he is) secretly developed a recycling program called Microsoft Delete™.

Now, with Delete™, every thrown-out character no longer clutters our trash dumps and landfills, but is instantly teleported to Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington.

It has been a very successful program of public conditioning. Though all the cool new features of Microsoft releases only require minimal additions to the code, we have come expect each new version of their software to not only be better, but bigger. Sometimes significantly bigger. Yet, unbeknownst to John Q. Public, at least 10% or more of each Microsoft release is actually garbage.

Rather than let all those wasted bytes lay around and possibly poison groundwater or release toxic fumes, they are stored safely and harmlessly on your hard drive, secretly embedded in your software or operating system. Heck, in Windows 95 alone, Bill was able to dump nearly half of the current supply of deleted characters. It has been said that at least 15% of Windows 95 is just plain useless garbage that we have been tricked into purchasing and storing, though some estimates run much higher.

A friend of mine said that there is not a person in the world who was able to watch "Laverne & Shirley" without having a lurid fantasy about one of the characters. I believe it, because I always wanted to know exactly how big Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa really was. Which character did you fantasize about?

Mrs. Babbish.

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