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July 30, 1996

BUSTED!! - part 2
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

When we last left our hero, the Food Police had broken into his home and were going through his dinner as he watched, on his knees, handcuffed, with a gun-happy cop behind him. -- If you missed part 1, well there's a link to past issues right above, isn't there?

..."Shoot him now," Larry asked excitedly.

"No," the onion ring waver said. "There's no need." He looked down at me. "Greg Bulmash, I sentence you to death."

"Shoot him now," Larry asked again.

"No! He's already killed himself. I bet if we went into that kitchen we'd find movie popcorn, coffee, red meat, salami..." The onion ring waver stopped and shuddered, "white bread." He regained his composure. "He's gonna die."

Suddenly I felt worried. "When," I asked.

That made him pause. He looked at the bacon shouter, but the bacon shouter just shrugged. The onion ring waver looked down at the floor and twisted his foot from side to side. "Well... umm... ahhh... well, actually..."

Now I was seriously concerned. Was it going to be today, tomorrow? "When," I cried.

"We don't know," the onion ring waver shouted! "All right? We don't know!" He started pacing back and forth. "We don't have any hard scientific data, just probabilities and statistics. Everything's associative, correlated. We'll probably turn around and contradict ourselves in a few years anyway, tell you that we made a mistake and half of this stuff is okay, or it'll come out that the only way we induced cancer in a lab rat was by feeding it more of some substance than the average human could consume in 20 years!"

"But, dammit," he turned and pointed the onion ring right at me, "we've gotta publish! They make us publish! If we don't come up with something shocking, the media won't pay attention to us." He crumpled to the floor and began crying. Larry and the bacon shouter rushed to his side and helped him to his feet, leading him out of the room as he blubbered uncontrollably.

As the room grew quiet, the officer on the floor lifted his head and looked around. "Where is everyone," he asked, getting to his feet.

"They left. Hey, you wanna take these handcuffs off me?"

"Ummm..." He looked around nervously, then pulled the keys off his belt and tossed them on the floor in front of me. "I gotta go."

He ran out of the room and moments later I heard the front door slam. I was all alone. I fell onto my side and scootched over to the keys, getting the handcuffs off, and then went and sat on the couch. As I looked around the room, I realized they'd stolen my dinner. I had nothing to eat.

But then I remembered I had a bag of those new fat-free chips with Olestra stashed under the sink and I felt better. Hey, no fat. That's good for me... I think.

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