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July 24, 1996

In The Stars
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

A couple of days ago I was looking at the celebrity birthdays in the paper and found something that shook my faith in astrology. Bob Dole and George Clinton share July 22nd as their birthday.

Now, don't confuse George Clinton with Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is the king of Big Macs, George Clinton is the king of Funk. George Clinton frightens people with his freaky hair and strange outfits, Bill Clinton frightens them with his running shorts. But when you compare George Clinton to Bob Dole... Let me put it this way. If George Clinton was Jesus, Bob Dole would be the anti-christ.

Basically, George Clinton is one of the funkiest, hippest men on the planet. Bob Dole is... well, not.

If you're familiar with George Clinton, try interposing the two. Imagine Bob Dole with George Clinton's hair, in George Clinton's clothes, singing "Atomic Dog." Bow-wow-wow-yippee-yo-yippee-yay... While you're at it, try to imagine Newt Gingrich, Al D'amato, and Rush Limbaugh as back-up dancers for Madonna.

Now try to imagine George Clinton clean cut, with normal glasses, wearing an Armani suit and talking about politics. For some reason, it's a much easier transition. He's an intelligent man who could take a day off from scaring the straights and tone it down if he wanted. But ever since Lawrence Welk died, Bob Dole would have a hard time finding a back-up band that meets his standards.

Yet when these guys pick up the paper each day, they both read the same horoscope. And you gotta know "you are drawn to excitement" means extremely different things for each of them. Like on their shared birthday, for example. Bob Dole kicked off his with bran muffins and orange juice at a senior citizen center. George Clinton... well, didn't. Know what I mean?

I can't trust astrology anymore. I'm going to have to hunt down something better. Maybe a telephone psychic at 1-900-U-IDIOTQ. Maybe a consultation with a palm reader... "The stubble here shows that you are very lonely"... Nah. But I'll find something.

Until then, let me make a prediction. I see... I see you sitting in front of a computer terminal very soon. You will move a mouse. Somewhere in the room there is an empty cup or can that held a caffeinated beverage. Your left buttock will fall asleep...

Wow! Am I good or what? Who needs astrology?

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