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July 18, 1996

The PSONYS Campaign
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

The following is a parody and is not to be taken seriously.

************FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE************

July 18, 1996


SAN DIEGO, CA -- Today the GOP announces an ambitious program, PSONYS, directed at curing a grave social crisis facing us all.

According to recent reports, the population of stray immigrants in the U.S. is growing at an alarming rate. Some of this is due to a continued stream from their native lands, but much of it is due to unchecked breeding. Their offspring roam the streets, searching for food and entertainment, often causing health and safety problems for good, upstanding legal citizens.

Our jails incarcerate a great many immigrants, and we can't afford to care for them all. Unfortunately, their often violent natures prevent us from finding them good homes. With bills pending to provide fewer appeals and shorten the trip to the gas chamber, we'll soon be destroying them at an unprecedented rate.

That's why we in the Republican Party are proposing the surgical sterilization of immigrants on a national scale. This procedure can be done on an inexpensive outpatient basis, meaning they'll be back to work within just a few days, causing only limited inconvenience to the employers of those who actually have jobs.

Not only does this aid in keeping down the population of stray and unwanted immigrants, it has beneficial effects for the present generation. The males will be more docile and obedient, live longer, and be less likely to fight or engage in criminal activity.

Since, under present law, using immigrant babies for medical research is illegal, we feel that the most sane and humane alternative is to sterilize immigrants now and cut off the problem at the source. Whether it's through welfare or the cost of incarceration and subsequent destruction, unending generations of immigrant offspring are a drain on our economy. Sterilization is easy, cost-effective, and this procedure also provides an opportunity to make them dependent on narcotic pain killers as an additional method of control.

Our pilot program is aimed at wealthy Republicans who employ immigrants on their household staffs, modeled on a similar one that has had much success in lowering our cat and dog populations. The "Please Spay or Neuter Your Servants" campaign will be chaired by celebrity spokespersons Pat Buchannan and David Dukes, and is expected to run through November 1996.

For further information, please contact the Republican National Committee at (202) 863-8500 or write to

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