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July 11, 1996

Snappy Answers
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

WARNING: The following material is heretical, blasphemous, and might be considered offensive by some people.

When I was in college, Brother Jed (an "evangelical" minister) would come by our campus every few months to tell us how we were all going to Hell. When he wasn't there, I could often rely on various on and off-campus ministries to take an unwelcome interest in the disposition of my soul, accosting me with their religious pitches as I kicked back on a bench near the quad.

I've got nothing against religion per-se and would keep my mouth shut if it weren't for all the people who refuse to let me relax in a public place and mind my own business. It's like getting hit-on in a bar when all you want to do is have a peaceful drink. Just saying "no thanks" or ignoring them doesn't seem to work, just as it doesn't with most horny drunks. They're just gonna keep on trying until you either leave, concede, or shoot them down... hard. Thus I have come up with the following shoot-down replies for the most common religious opening lines.

Have you found Jesus?

No. But I'll be glad to help you look. Here Jesus... Heeere Jesus... Funny. No answer. But if I spot him, I'll be sure to let you know.

Did you know that Jesus died for your sins?

And "Thirtysomething" died for my lack of watching it. But, amazingly enough, the guilt just isn't keeping me up at night.

Have you given any thought to where you're going to go when you die?

If I'm lucky, Valhalla! But I need to kill a few more people in battle first. Care to volunteer?

Jesus loves you.

Isn't that special? Well you tell Jesus that I love him too, and if he wants, we can meet for drinks later.

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?

I considered it, but AT&T has better rates.

         And my personal favorite...

Have you been saved?

No, I've been frittered away on wine and cheap women.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Of course, all of these replies are more effective when followed with a quote from Monty Python And The Holy Grail: "Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time." If necessary, add the French accent for that extra touch of rudeness.

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