NEW HUMOR AND SITES FROM GREG BULMASH

A few years back, a man dove off a pier, hit an underwater piling, broke his neck, and sued the city that operated the pier. Yes, there was a sign saying that diving off the pier was illegal. His argument was that he just thought he was breaking the law. There wasn't any sign telling him he might break his neck. A jury of 12 supposed adults bought this line of reasoning and awarded him three million dollars.

I'd like to assume that this guy was raised by wolves, because anyone who actually has a mother hears the phrase "you're gonna break your neck" at least 100 times by the age of 6. By the time you hit puberty, you're well versed in every possible way to break your neck, put someone's eye out, go blind, and worry your mother half to death. If you've had the right kind of childhood, you're also well versed in all the ways to get your mother to threaten to break your neck for you.

Perhaps the problem is that our government should be run by our mothers. If we elected Mom president, we'd be a much safer nation. Of course, she wouldn't be safer though, because she wouldn't let the Secret Service guards run in the White House, especially if they were carrying scissors.

All the "you'll break your neck" and "you'll put your eye out" warning labels on everything wouldn't be so bad. Hey, you'd never see anyone with a dirty face due to the Spit & Hankie patrols cruising the streets. And if you wanted to call in sick to work, you wouldn't need a doctor's note, you'd just call a federally licensed forehead feeler. If they detected even the slightest hint of warmth, you'd be legally obligated to stay home and watch television all day. There'd even be a nationally mandated bed time.

I like it. It's the right direction. If we need the government to treat us like children and tell us "you're gonna break your neck," then we ought to go all the way. So forget Clinton, forget Dole. Mom in '96! We're asking for it.