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June 25, 1996

Watering The Implants
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I'm going to come out on a very important subject and many men will disagree with me. I am decidedly against big breasts.

Now I'm not talking about ordinary, naturally-occurring big breasts, though they are a problem. I'm talking about the super-gargantuan man-made breasts. When I see these silicone-reinforced strippers and adult film stars on talk shows, discussing what it's like to have a 58LL bra size, that's when I say "that's a little extreme."

There comes a point where you really have to wonder. Who are these men who can look at a breast bigger than the head of the woman it's on and find it attractive? One would assume that not only weren't these men breast or bottle fed as babies, they actually had to suck milk from a wet rag.

Some people say it's the novelty factor, the freak factor, that it's more just the fact that something is way out of proportion to regular people that makes us interested. Yeah, right. I've never seen a man pay a $10 cover charge to look at a woman with really big feet. I've never seen a man pick up a National Geographic and say "wouldya look at the humongous earlobes on that babe? Now that's sexy." But show them a picture of Wendy Whoppers...

And the worst part is the hypocrisy. We men feel no guilt for leering at a woman with really large breasts, then turn around and not only want, but often need women to tell us that size doesn't matter. "It's what you do with it that counts." As a society, we create pressure for women to shave, pluck, wax, dye, paint, pierce, and surgically enhance themselves, then we want them to love us for who we are. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? Am I the only one who fears that with advances in penile enhancement surgery, the tables could get turned?

Thus I am taking a stand against big breasts. You see, the day I get surgically enhanced where size matters on a man is the day I'm forcibly strapped down and pumped full of enough drugs to tranquilize North Dakota. So, whether I like 'em or not, big breasts have got to go.

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