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June 17, 1996

Improving The Environment
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I have come up with a way to improve our environment... Outlaw K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Target and any other such store that sells polyester clothing.

I'm a natural-fiber guy myself. I love cotton. A kindergartener might make the observation "then why don't you marry it?" Because I hate ironing. My general method of doing laundry is to get the stuff out of the dryer while it's still scorching hot, give it a good shake, and hang it up immediately. If that's not enough, then I don't wear it often.

But back to polyester. Besides the poisons we pollute nature with in making it, it just looks plain ugly. Sometimes silk has a sheen to it, but polyester is blindingly reflective. On top of that, it just doesn't drape well.

Face it, a 5'10" woman who weighs 103 pounds can wear just about anything she wants and have it drape quite nicely. That's why she's in the catalog. But on any other woman, polyester looks like hell. Drape? Polyester pants legs drop like a window shade. Plus, it's a stiff fabric, and thus it doesn't move naturally. It moves like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. It seems to scream "Oil me before I start to squeak."

Maybe it's just me, but when women are wearing polyester, they just don't look clothed. They look upholstered. A woman in polyester looks like Aunt Sally's couch, the one that's only for company (who better have scotch tape on their asses or they'll slide right off the plastic slip-covers).

An environment is not just defined as the nature around you, but also as your general surroundings. And if your general surroundings are unattractive, you are depressed and less productive. Considering where America presently stands in the international marketplace right now, we need all the help we can get. So ladies, for me, for your country... Just say no!

And if some of you would start wearing short plaid skirts, white blouses, and knee-socks while you're at it, and then I could put on a priest's collar and tell you how very bad you've been... Well, maybe we should just take this one step at a time.

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