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June 13, 1996

The GBHP Advisor - Vol. II
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

The last issue of the GBHP advisor got enough positive feedback that I'm trying it again. So let's dive in to this week's mail, both real and imaginary...

What do you play with if you're so poor that when the wolf comes to your door, he brings sandwiches? - Carol G.

I'm glad you asked that. When I was a child, we were quite poor but we found ways to have fun. Our favorite game was "Find Grandma's Teeth." We also used to play "Chase The Mailman" and "Pin The Tail On The Wall." If we were really good, Mom would fill up the bathtub and we'd go bobbing for soap.

I had this dream... I was hanging out in front of my house and the ice cream truck drove up my street. My boyfriend was the ice cream man and he was smoking a cigar. I asked for a scoop of vanilla, but he said all he had left was a lime popsicle. I said okay and began licking the popsicle, but instead of dissolving, it just kept getting bigger. What does it mean? - Amanda R.

Oh, come on, like you don't know... like the symbolism isn't blatant enough... You've obviously quit smoking and gone on a diet very recently and your subconscious desires for nicotine and sugar manifested themselves in this dream. Some people would say it has another meaning, but they're a bunch of potty-mouths who need to get their minds out of the gutter.

No one's been able to answer this question, so I thought I'd ask you. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? - Bob D.

Under present regulations, it is illegal to issue a federal logging permit to a woodchuck. A case is due for review by the Supreme Court (US v Chuck) in September which should clear up certain key issues. This case was prompted by a Mr. W. Chuck getting caught in the act of chucking wood, and he was arrested by federal agents before he'd finished. Thus we cannot go by the amount of wood Mr. Chuck chucked since he stopped chucking wood before he'd chucked all the wood he could.

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