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June 6, 1996

I Wanna Be A Dog
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

Relationships and sex have become so complicated, and I personally believe that it's due to society and humanity. Over the centuries we've separated ourselves from our animal roots and our animal instincts and this has not been beneficial.

Look at animals, like dogs for example. There's no exchanging phone numbers, no first date jitters. Just a couple sniffs and BAM! And the male dog never has to meet the female dog's parents...

Rex: "So... tell me, Sparky, what do you do for a living?"

Sparky: "Let's see... hmmm... lay around, chase the occasional cat, bark at nothing. You know, basic house-dog stuff."

Rex: "Millie, did you hear? Sparky's a house-dog. Well, glad to meet you son. You're a nice change of pace from those strays Fifi usually brings home."

Fifi: "Daddy! Prince wasn't a stray."

Rex: "No collar, no tags, looked like he hadn't been groomed in months... That's not a stray? Maybe it's just the way you pups do things now, but in my day..."

Now, of course, I do single out the mammals. I have no envy for insects. I'm sure every guy has felt sympathy pains when he watched a documentary on the preying mantis. And it's not the fact that the female bites his head off during copulation. It's that when she's done, a certain... well... shall we say... part of him is broken off and left inside her. Talk about adding insult to injury...

"You won't be needing that anymore... [SNAP!]"

But, one thing they do have over humans: at least the female doesn't throw it out the car window as she's driving away.

Back when we were more in touch with our animal natures, we created certain older similes that have become part of our popular language, such as "screwed like rabbits." And it's a shame we're no longer like that.

We've become more technologically minded, more detached from our wild roots. We've begun to use more inorganic similes in our everyday speech, such as "sucked like a Hoover"... Well, on second thought, maybe it ain't all bad.

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