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May 15, 1996

The Consumer's Confusion
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I was in my first apartment
I was feeling very proud
No parents saying "go to bed
Your music is too loud"
But the thing that really scared me
Was that empty pantry shelf
It meant that for the first time
I'd be shopping for myself

It seemed sort of exciting
The choices were all mine
I could buy nothing but cookies
Ice cream, cake, and wine
But in the back of my head
My mother's voice did cry
"If you're not eating healthy
You'll die, you'll die, you'll die"

And in that supermarket
I felt like I was three
Rows and rows and rows of stuff
With no one to guide me
There were healthy chicken casseroles
And low-fat apple pies
A million types of cereal
Each with a toy surprise

There were mounds of ripe tomatoes
And bags of salad crunchies
And open bins of candy
Just in case I got the munchies
There was low-fat acidophilus
And yogurt packs with sprinkles
French fries I could microwave
And potted periwinkles

Green beans raw, and green beans canned
Grapefruits bigger than my hand
Spumoni, baloney, macaroni
Frozen pizzas made by Tony
Chocolate sauce and chocolate cake
All the vitamins I could take
Lahvosh, squash, and pita bread
Peppers green and peppers red

It was so hard to pick some food
It all was so confusing
But in my head I heard a song
More helpful than amusing
It may seem sort of stupid
But it really did save me
For in my head, the voice did sing
"Thank goodness for Chef Boyardee."

Spaghettios with meatballs
Ravioli cheese and beef
Pasta shaped like dinosaurs
It was a big relief
But how to get my veggies
In a way that was compliant
With my mother's strict requirements
"Ho, ho, ho, Green Giant!"

I didn't squeeze the Charmin
But I bought a pack or three
And a box of Keebler crackers
Made inside a hollow tree
There is always room for Jello
And like a healthy dude
I got myself some Campbell's soup
Because soup is good food

I got pineapple picked by Dole
Bananas from Chiquita
San Fransisco sourdough rolls
And beans from Rosarita
And though when I was just a kid
My mom had yelled at me...

I was saved from malnutrition
Cos' I watch too much TV

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