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May 7, 1996

Why I Stopped Chasing Women
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

When I was doing stand-up comedy, my love life was nearly nonexistent. I attribute this partly to the fact that I started at 20 years old and every woman I met was older than me.

One girl in particular brought this to my attention quite well. She was 23. When she found out I was 20, she said "you're just a baby."

Being a smart-ass, wannabe comic, I was quick to reply. "Oh, thanks for pointing that out. You know, for a moment there I was attracted to you. I was thinking of asking you out. But what if I had? What if we'd fallen in love and gotten married? Ten years from now I'd be this young, thirty year old, and you'd be... God, like what, a senior citizen or something? Thank you. You've saved me from possibly making a mistake that could have ruined my life."

The wit inherent in my sarcasm was not entirely lost upon her and we became friends. Then one day, as we were talking, I mentioned how big I thought her ass had become. After that, oddly enough, we never spoke again.

Yet it's not the ass-size issue we're addressing here. The ass-size issue would require much more coverage... Bah-dum-bum! But seriously folks...

At the time I didn't understand the age-difference issue. I was sure it was just a cop-out. But as I grew older, I found myself making the same judgements. When I finally returned to college to finish my degree, certain calculations would enter my mind when I dated college-age women. She started her first year of junior high at the same time I started my first year of college. I was reading before she was breathing. I felt like a dirty old man.

It was shocking to say the least. That I could be bothered by such things surprised me, because I didn't expect older women to be bothered by it when I was that age. In fact, I'd hoped they would be excited by it. Yet now I understood.

Lately, though, a few years' difference between myself and older women seems to matter less... at least to them. But "older women" is no longer defined as early-twenties and up. It's now late-twenties and up. They have real careers, real concerns, and real responsibilities. They are no longer just adults in name only. They've earned the title. And the guys they're looking for have to be adults too.

Unfortunately, if you're an adult, that means you're well on your way to being old. So now dating younger women makes me feel old, and dating older women makes me feel old, and my age seems to be unique, thus every woman I meet is either older or younger. That's why I stopped chasing women... I can't. I'm just a baby.

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