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May 1, 1996

The In-N-Out Urge
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

On a corner along Pacific Coast Highway they're building an In-N-Out and every time I drive by, I'm like the lady in the Mervyn's super-sale commercials... "Open open open open."

Okay, I've probably gone over the head of every one of my foreign readers. In-N-Out is a burger place. They specialize in burgers and don't bother with tacos or burritos or fish sandwiches. They just serve burgers, fries, and milkshakes, and they do their best to make each one the ultimate dining experience.

Everyone I know in Southern California thinks the In-N-Out "Double Double" (double meat, double cheese) is probably the best burger around... well, except for some Hindu's of course, and kosher Jews, and vegetarians, and vegans, and those who are really health conscious and don't eat red meat... Okay, basically all the big fat guys I know in Southern California think it's the best burger around.

And they know this is their target market. Who does the voice-overs for their radio commercials? John Goodman, a big fat guy. But it's wise marketing strategy. Who are you going to trust to tell you where to find the best burger? Some skinny, muscular poster boy for good living? Some pretty girl who looks like she's going to go stick her finger down her throat as soon as the director yells cut? When it comes to fat free, calorie free, taste free, pseudo-buttermilk, chemically-altered, ranch-style salad dressing, perhaps I'll trust the middle-aged, bitter divorcees griping at a health spa before they learn about this wonderful new product. But if I want to know where to find good, greasy, high calorie food, I'm going to trust the big fat guy.

You see, I trust big fat guys in general. Big fat guys don't lie to themselves. They admit that they want to eat something and they eat it. They admit that they don't like to exercise, so they don't exercise. Skinny people, on the other hand, lead lives of denial. "Soy-based meat substitutes, when properly prepared, taste as good if not better than the real thing. And sure I'm worn out and tired after exercising, but it's a good tired." Hell, they might as well expect me to believe that the Republicans really have my best interests at heart and they're not just avaricious pawns of special-interest lobbyists who would gladly sell out their children's futures in pursuit of a fast buck...

Wait. Sorry. Rush Limbaugh expects me to believe that, and he's a big fat guy. And come to think of it, Jesse Helms is a big fat guy too. In fact, Congress has a lot of big fat guys in it, and I know that every time I shake hands with a politician, no matter what party he belongs to, I count my fingers afterward just to make sure they're all still there. Damn! That ruins the whole point I was trying to make about how you can always trust big fat guys. Big fat guys can be big fat liars. My theory is completely blown.

But still, I bet they all know where to find a really good cheeseburger.

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