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March 20, 1997

Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I have finally come to truly appreciate the female hatred for the speculum, all because of a doctor's finger.

I haven't been in for a physical in eight years. Why? Because the last time I was in, the doctor stuck his finger in my butt. I had a potential prostate infection and he had to check the prostate. And the only way to do that is with a rubber glove, a dollop of greasy stuff, and a poke in that most sensitive of areas.

You think you know all the qualities to look for in a doctor. A degree from a good med school, a residency in a good hospital, recommendations from other patients, participation in your insurance plan... But before my prostate exam, I never realized that another important quality in a doctor is small fingers.

Unfortunately, misfortune struck this week. I was having immense pain. I went to the doctor and he confirmed my worst fears. A possible prostate infection. At that point, I was almost cursing God, "why couldn't it have been VD?" Of course, with my sexual history, the doctor ruled out VD right quick as it's been so long that parts of me would have started falling off by now if that was the case. And so, before I could get my prescription for antibiotics, I was required to drop trou and bend over the table.

And the scary thing is that I just have more prostate exams to look forward to in the future. Prostate cancer is on the FBI's most wanted list for killing men over the age of 50. And, if what I hear from older men is any indication, it only gets worse. You move from a doctor's finger to a camera. Luckily it's no Nikon 50mm lens, but as far as I know, it makes you wish for the good old days of the finger.

Do I recommend that all men eventually get their prostate checked? Yes. It could save your life. But, as many women will tell you guys, there's no way you can look cool with your pants around your ankles. Then add to it the embarrassment of being bent over a table like a shower scene in a bad prison movie... Get your prostate checked, but check your dignity at the door.


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