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February 13, 1997

Next On The Teenage Make-Out Double-Feature
Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

The following is the Valentine's Day column from 1996. It and the post Valentine's Day column have been two of our most popular pieces. So for all you readers who never saw it, and the few of you who did. I present, the newest tradition here at BULMASH.COM.

From all of us who aren't in love to all of you couples out there, I have one message... Cut it out!

Forgive me for my cynicism, but we all know it's not gonna last. Sure, you go around for a while with that stupid grin on your faces, talking baby talk to each other, kissing in malls. But in a few months where are you going to be? Married? Living together? Noooo... You'll be in the bathroom of some bar, on your knees, with your best single friend grabbing a handful of your hair to keep your face from touching the bowl.

We have to endure not hearing from you for weeks. Then, when we get you out alone, you're getting up every thirty minutes to call home and say "No, I love you more." At least this is a pleasant respite from listening to you talk about when your significant other said or did the sweetest thing. But what do we get in return for putting up with this? Puke duty at the local saloon? If only life was that fair.

"She's got this cousin... great personality. Really good looking once you get past the harelip, goiter, and glass eye." And the great capper, "he/she just got over a really bad break-up, so be nice."

And you do so direly want us to be great friends with your new flame. You set up a special evening so we can get to know this love of your life. "You two have so much in common..." Like what? We both have all our own teeth? Neither of us is a cloned Velociraptor? We've both been to Burbank? The reality is that we disagree on everything from politics to religion to whether or not "Bikini Babes from Venus" left so many unanswered questions that a sequel was really necessary to fill in the gaps. The only thing we do have in common is that by the end of the night we're both ready to ask "what the hell were you thinking when you hooked up with that person?"

Okay, so maybe this time it's gonna work. Perhaps the days of puke duty are over. Perhaps you've even learned not to fix us up. But this is only a portion of what you inflict upon the world when you're in love. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. Better known by their acronym, PDA, public displays of affection are the nation's second leading cause of single people ending up on rooftops with high-powered rifles. The leading cause is jobs at the post office, but that's another discussion entirely.

Oh, sure, it all seems sweet and endearing, but when you refer to that person in your life as "punkin" you are actually calling them a round, orange member of the squash family. And I don't get this whole thing with giving cutesy nicknames or pet names to each others' genitalia either. I've always been told it's harder to eat something after you've named it.

Have you yet realized how much you couples annoy your single friends? Have I yet made my case for declaring anyone who falls in love incapable of managing their affairs with a modicum of sensibility?

But then I remember the last time I fell in love. I remember exactly how I behaved. And I think sometimes that if falling in love makes you stupid, I want to be an idiot for the rest of my life. So, as Valentine's day approaches and passes, my message to couples out there is to realize how lucky you are and as you spend that special evening together and you look into the eyes of that person who has made you feel like you went from a half to a whole, I just want you to remember these three little words... get a room.


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