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January 30, 1997

We Have Very Small Hands
Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

There have been two very interesting and very large areas of growth in the consumer arena in the 90's... getting into debt and reshaping our bodies. It was only a matter of time before some company recognized the opportunity and married the two.

That's why I wasn't surprised when, while watching TV the other day, I saw a financial services company offering a 9.9% APR on loans for cosmetic surgery. I wasn't surprised, but I was amused, because now with a little liposuction and the right financing, you can literally get your ass in debt.

And it's not like you can repossess a butt. It would have to be a reverse Shylock. If you fall behind in paying off your behind, you get a pound of flesh. One day you open the door, and there's a big guy named Guido from Reliable Finance with a jar of fat and a turkey baster.

If a gigolo wants money for a penile enlargement procedure, can he apply for a small business loan?

It's so crazy. Think about it, guys. Forget going clothes shopping with your girlfriend or wife. Go nose shopping with her. The surgeon is showing her different models on the screen and she asks your opinion. If you say "I love you like you are," then you're just not being cooperative. If you say, "okay, that one," then you're in big trouble because you're supposed to love her like she is.

But women aren't the only market. The male customer base is growing at an incredible rate. First the boom, then the credit, then the competition, then you're watching the late late show and on comes this guy in a surgical gown, clown shoes, and a cowboy hat, waving his hands in the air: "It's March Madness at Crazy Irving's House of Plugs! We're slashing our prices on slashing your scalp! Get three grafts for the price of one! Bankruptcy, forclosure? No problem! We can get you financed! For the ladies we have a new non-surgical method of making your breasts seem larger! How can we do that, you ask! We have very small hands! Wocka-wocka-wocka! So head on down to 123 Main Street..."

And what about credit card bonus deals, the 90's version of collecting green stamps, but without having to take 85 books into the catalogue store to get the toaster? Airline miles, money towards a new car, free gasoline? Throw them all out the window and get yourself that Citibank Collagen Card. After only $10,000 in purchases you receive a certificate entitling you to have any participating doctor inject one gram of collagen into the body part of your choice.

It's getting out of control folks. It's not only the quick fix, it's a fake fix. It's like playing poker and getting dealt the same cards every hand. Sure you might win a few hands by bluffing, but eventually people are going to catch on to the fact that you've got bupkis. You really wanna be more attractive? Do you want to know the real secret of looking better and making a good first impression?

Smile more.

And with that said, consider this your beauty treatment. See ya next Thursday.


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