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January 16, 1997

Forget Mars & Venus
Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

What do "enlightened guys" say is an important quality in a woman? Intelligence. Well, I have recently realized that we are deluded. Forget Mars. Forget Venus. Men are from high school and women are from grad school. Why do I say this? Is it something having to do with perceived differences in maturity levels? Not in the slightest. It all has to do with the simple fact that women are smarter than men.

Think about it guys. How do you make your muscles stronger? Exercise them. Our brains are the same way. But when it comes to so many things in life, men's brains are warming the bench while women's brains are getting a full cardiovascular workout.

Men have ONE shoe size. I'm a 10.5 wide. Simple. Women... well it depends. They're like astrologers doing a natal chart on the shoe. Where was it made? Who made it? Was it made in the winter or spring? What was the geographic elevation of the shoe factory? Was the leather from a happy or a sad cow? Eventually they find a pump with Neptune in its 4th house and the shoe-shopping mission has been completed.

Guys what's your pants size? You'll say 32:30 or 34:32 or something simple, basically the waist and inseam. But ask a woman... "I'm a size 5 on the eighth day of every third month when it's not raining, the tarot cards advise travel, and the designer's last name starts with an F."

And let's not even get into colors. We men are not unfamiliar with the fact that there are multiple shades and can probably tell 4-5 different ones in each main color group. But women make us look like simpletons. They carry portable physics labs with them and can apparently discern a variation of one hertz in the spectrum of visible light. What's the difference between eggshell white, bone white, and navajo white? Hell if I know, but a woman does.

Men just aren't good with colors. J.C. Penney occasionally has those ads with the regular guy and the male models, and he finds out he can dress like them because of Penney's new fashion line for men that allows us to coordinate an outfit by matching the tags inside the clothes. You know what this is, don't you? It's Grrranimals for grown-ups. Tiger coat, tiger shirt, tiger pants, and you're good to go.

Think of certain words you'd probably never have heard if not for women. Ecru, taupe, mauve. These are not words that come naturally to the male vocabulary. They are inserted there after associating with women, sort of like the medical terms you know from watching "ER." Sure, you can say them and sound cool, but damned if you know what they actually mean. Take the tibula for example. I think it's in the leg... and I would assume it's bone white.

And don't get me started on purses. Go ahead, ask any woman why men don't carry purses. She'll turn into Jack Nicholson. "You want a purse? You want a purse? You can't handle a purse!" And you know what? She's right. We can barely handle briefcases. That's why every article of our clothing has a pocket. But still, even with just a couple of pockets, like if you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt, you will at some time or another become an amateur cop. Just observe yourself the next time you can't find your keys. As you start looking around the room, you'll do a pat-down search. Essentially, you're frisking yourself.

But a woman just throws every item she comes across during her day into her purse. My mom used to have this huge purse when I was a kid. I stared into that black hole once. There were receipts, business cards, a potted geranium, a five-year supply of chewing gum, ten ounces of lint (in case the dryer ran out, I guess)... I just figured that Mom was God in training. She was collecting matter until she had enough for another big bang and then she was going to start her own universe.

In fact, the bigger her purse, the smarter a woman is. That's why most women don't start carrying the really big purses until they're married, because they don't want to scare off any easily manipulated men until they've got us. That's why single women started wearing those little backpacks. They told us it was fashion, but it's a trick. They thought they could fool us. They took all those big purses and turned them into little backpacks. Very clever.

So the next time one of you single, "enlightened" guys says an important quality in a woman is intelligence, just face it... if she can dress herself with a modicum of class and color coordination, and she carries a purse (or she's got a backpack), she's not only intelligent, she's smarter than you. And if you should somehow end up getting the impression she's not intelligent enough... that just means she doesn't like you.


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