On the day Fabio Schwartz disappeared, carried from his fishing boat by a giant marlin, the black velvet painting of Mikhail Gorbachev that hung in his living room began to cry. It has been examined by experts and no external source for these tears has been found. The painting generates them on its own in some yet unknown manner.
The tears are reputed to have miraculous powers, curing baldness, wrinkles, acne, assorted blemishes, bad eyesight, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. Many people consider this to be a sign from God that Fabio Schwartz was a saint.
Touch your fingers to the painting and then rub the area of your body that is afflicted. Within days, you will be cured. All we ask is that you then publish the following prayer in your local newspaper.