Since you are the world's most desirable man, I'm gonna guess you have some experience with women. There's this girl at work that I really like, but I'm afraid to ask her out. Ya see, I'm not nearly as good looking as you, and I don't have a cool corduroy beanbag couch like you do.How can I work up the nerve to ask her to the movies or something like that? And even more important, what do I do if she says yes?
-Danny P. Frobish
It does not require good looks to impress a woman, though it does not hurt if you are as beautiful, yet manly, as I. But when you are not, you must use your other assets. You must make her want you. And as I have learned from the many millions of women who want me --and want me badly-- women want what they cannot have.
Do not ask her out to the movies. Merely walk up to her and say, "I, Danny P. Frobish, will not go out with you under any circumstances. Yes, woman, you can beg and plead. You can throw yourself on the floor and grovel at my feet. But I will not go out with you."
Do not be surprised if her first reaction is to thank you. She is merely covering up her true feelings. But as the days and weeks pass, you will find her looking at you when she thinks you do not notice it. You will hear that she has been talking about you. What she will say may be bad, but she is still covering up her feelings, trying to beat you at your own game.
But you are a man and you are stronger than any mere woman. As the months go by, slowly she will crumble. As you pretend not to notice her, not to be attracted, she will desire you more and more until, finally, she will ask you to go to the movies. And what will you do then? You will say NO!! You will make her want you even more. And when she becomes brave again, she will ask again. And you will say NO again. But the third time she asks, you will agree.
And then it will not matter if you are not as beautiful as I, Fabio Schwartz. She will be your love slave, just as it should be.
Do you believe in having sex on a first date?-Miss Walker
No! But only because I am Fabio Schwartz. Many men who are not as wonderfully beautiful (yet manly) as I, will have sex on a first date because they believe that sex is like an ice cube on a hot day. They fear that if they do not accept it then, it will be gone when they change their minds.
But because I am Fabio Schwartz, I have no such fears. Women desire me. If I refuse to have sex with a woman on a first date, it shatters her ego. But I, Fabio Schwartz, place a finger under her chin, raise her eyes to look into mine, show her my soon-to-be-patented Look Of Most Absolute Passion, and say "but it is merely because I laahve you."
It must be said correctly. Fabio Schwartz does not say "love," like any boring farm boy. He must say "laahve," because only "laahve" can go with the soon-to-be-patented Look of Most Absolute Passion.
After I have said this, she ceases to cry and she only wants me more. She is overcome with lust for me, as are all women. "I am scum," she says. "I want you, Fabio Schwartz, to hate me because I am such scum."
"But I cannot hate you," I say. "I laahve you."
"Then, Fabio Schwartz, if you love me," she says, "sleep with me."
"I do not love you," I say. "I laahve you. But any woman, believing as you did, who would try to manipulate my affections to satisfy her own tawdry needs is no woman I want to know." And then I leave.
This is why I do not have sex on first dates, and also why I do not have many second dates.
You are a looker, hon, but is Mr. Jolly as big as your ego?-Thunder Alley
I must give much credit for my ego to the interior decorator formerly known as Chintz, now known as Juan Carlos Jaques Francois Marcello Mauritzio Jolly, or Mr. Jolly of Sherman Oaks to his friends and favorite clients. Without a fabulously decorated home, one cannot have a large ego.
An ego needs not only incredible (yet manly) beauty, it needs furniture, wall coverings, and arrangements that accentuate and enhance it.
When I recline on my beige corduroy bean-bag couch, letting my toes wriggle in my mauve shag carpet as I gaze thoughtfully upon a portrait of Mikhail Gorbachev, painted on the most tasteful black velvet, I feel wonderful. How can Fabio Schwartz not look anything but beautiful (yet manly) in such surroundings?
My bedroom is much the same. My large round bed, covered in royal blue satin, is on a rotating platform, allowing my head always to be crowned by the sun as I wake to the new day. I open my eyes and gaze into the mirror above me, seeing the sun's rays glint off my lustrous hair, and I have no choice but to say to myself... "Ah, Fabio Schwartz, you are beautiful (yet manly)." Then I give myself the soon-to-be-patented Look of Most Absolute Passion and have a strong desire to touch myself.
I resist, though, because I am Fabio Schwartz... and because my assistant and house boy, Narcissus Johnson, claims he does not like the dirty looks the dry cleaner gives him when he brings in my royal blue satin sheets with such stains on them.
But I have left the question at hand. Is Mr. Jolly as big as my ego? No. He is a very short man. Yet it has been said that it is not how big your interior decorator is, but what you do with him that counts. What he lacks in size, he more than makes up for with skill and excellent taste.
What is the best cologne for men?-Ernie Peterson
I am glad you asked that, because I, Fabio Schwartz, have always felt that the smell of a man is very important. If you want to be beautiful (yet manly), then you must smell beautiful (yet manly).
A man's scent must not only be pleasing. It must be tempting. It should make a woman feel hhhongry. Be careful. This is not "hungry," like any farm boy would say. When a woman feels hungry, she has a salad or a bowl of soup, or maybe a nice sandwich, and continues with her day. But when a woman feels hhhongry, it will take much more to satisfy her.
To make a woman feel hhhongry, a man's scent must be something she cannot resist. And because I am Fabio Schwartz, I know the one thing no woman can say no to, the one thing no woman can refuse. That is why I do not wear cologne.
I wear chocolate.
I do not put it on heavily. Fabio Schwartz cannot have acne. Just a Hershey's Kiss in each armpit and a light dusting of cocoa powder around the neck. The smell is not overpowering, I do not smell like a candy store. But when a woman gets close to me, because all women want to be close to Fabio Schwartz, her mouth waters.
So, Ernie Peterson, take my advice, but be careful and do not experiment. Once I tried donuts and 13 police officers sent me flowers. Just stick with the basics and you will be fine.
Please tell me what you would do on our first date? I'm sure a lot of "lucky" ladies will want to know.-Stepheny
It is a fine thing that you should ask this, because I, Fabio Schwartz, am not just the world's most beautiful (yet manly) man. I am also the world's most romantic man.
I have always believed that a first date should be fun, playful. And nothing is more playful than a porcupine. That is why the first stop on any first date with Fabio Schwartz is Pete and Polly's Discount Porcupine Park in Pomona.
And after we have played with the porcupines, the next stop on our tour of wonder is Benito MacDougal's House of Scottish Pizza. Nothing follows a fun frolic with the little creatures like a large pie with pepperoni and extra haggis.
Yet this is just the beginning. The night is still young, and so we proceed on... to the theater. But this is not just any theatrical experience. Fabio Schwartz would not bore you with the ordinary. No, we would go see "Chester!" It is an amazing musical, written by Andrew Lloyd Webber and starring Jean Claude Van Damme, based on the life of President Chester A. Arthur. When Jean Claude sings his big song, "Civil Service Reform Bill of 1883," you just want to stand up and cheer when it is over.
After this, we would go for an apres theater nightcap at the Polynesian Party Palace, where we would drink mai-tai's, eat poi, and hula until we could hula no more.
Finally, I would take you home. At your door, I would pat your head, kiss your elbow, and tell you I laahve you. Then I would think that perhaps I should not have told you this, as I can already see the desire in your eyes. You will beg me to stay, but I will refuse. You will beg me a second time, but I will refuse a second time. You will try more times.... beg, refuse, beg, refuse... until in a fit of anger, you slam the door in my face and tell me you never want to see me again.
But I will go back to my wonderful ranch-style house, sip champagne on my beige corduroy bean-bag couch, and wait for your call, because I know that you will. How could I know? Ahhh, do not forget that I know what women want. And what women want is... Fabio Schwartz!
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Fabio Schwartz & the Crying Gorbachev are meant as entertainment only. No cures, miracles, or salvation are guaranteed or implied. © 1996 - Greg Bulmash