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December 9, 1996
I'm Your Psychic Friend
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved
As the new year approaches, all the big psychics are gearing up to make predictions about the coming year for your favorite tabloids. Since my traditional New Year's column is resolutions instead of predictions, I thought I'd make my predictions now.
And last, but not least...
- The media will stop referring to Prince as "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince" and will start calling him "The Artist We Formerly Gave A Crap About."
- Fergie and Diana will start a retail chain called "The Ex-Princess Store: Where To Shop For The Woman Who Used To Have Everything."
- Fran Drescher will be hospitalized after a trained Yak being used in a scene on "The Nanny" mistakes her voice for a mating call.
- Loosely based on Oral Roberts' vision of a 900-foot-tall Christ in the desert, "Jesus vs. Godzilla" will gross sixty million dollars in its opening weekend.
- Rush Limbaugh will explode.
- Barbara Streisand will break up with James Brolin and start dating Wesley Snipes.
- It will be revealed that Keith Richards has actually been clinically dead for the past eight years.
- Madonna will appear on "The Late Show with David Letterman." When Dave asks her to demonstrate her parenting skills, she'll take Paul Schaeffer over her knee and spank him.
- Yoko Ono will be kidnapped. Beatles fans around the world will try to raise enough money to get the kidnappers to keep her.
- We will have our first contact with an alien race. Surprisingly, they'll all look like Herve Villachez.
- After spokesmen from the Center for Science in the Public Interest announce that they have determined that chocolate is incredibly bad for your health and call for all chocolate products to be removed from store shelves, a group of angry pre-menstrual women will stone them to death.
- Tired of the dating scene, supermodel Vendela will hold a "Why I Should Be Vendela's Husband" essay contest to find a worthwhile guy. The winner will be 27-year-old podiatrist, Dr. Howard Finkelberger of Long Island, NY. When his parents find out that he's going to marry a woman who isn't Jewish, they plotz.
- Hot off its success with Brooke Shield's "Suddenly Susan," NBC will premiere a new sitcom starring Kirk Cameron, Fred Savage, Joey Lawrence, and Ricky Schroeder as four bachelors living in a boarding house run by Glenn Scarpelli. It will be called "Suddenly Has-Beens."
- Following the example of New Edition, the ex-members of Menudo will hold a reunion tour. Ticket sales will be described as "disappointing."
- Tony Danza will star in a new sitcom about life in prison called "Who's The Bitch?"
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