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October 24, 1996

World Drearies
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved


I'm going to risk sounding really un-American right now and say that I can't stand televised baseball. As far as I'm concerned, it's just one step above the Senior Citizen Walker and Cane Triathalon in terms of fast-paced excitement. Yet, amazingly enough, I care who wins the World Series and I bet I can convince you to care too.

You see, along with that World Series trophy comes bragging rights, and even if you can't bear to watch the sport, I'm sure you have an opinion on who you want to have those rights. Me, I tried to reason it out on various factors.

A CONTEST OF CITIES:

New York hasn't had a baseball championship in a while. They had the more recent local explosion. And you gotta respect their Republican Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, for having the nads to go against his party and endorse Democratic Governor, Mario Cuomo, in his losing bid for re-election.

The Braves already won a series this decade. And this year Atlanta outshone all past Olympic host cities in terms of crass commercialism, poor organization, and over-marketing.

RESULT: Root for the Yankees

A CONTEST OF OWNERS:

A real toss-up here. Ted Turner vs. George Steinbrenner.

Ted recently acquired an even more powerful position in the American media than he had before and then used it to tweak Rupert Murdoch's nose. I may dislike Ted Turner, but I dislike Rupert Murdoch more.

George Steinbrenner... well, he's George Steinbrenner. Rumor has it that he's trying to have Billy Martin raised from the dead just so he can fire him one more time.

RESULT: Root for the Braves.

A CONTEST OF CHARACTER:

Basically, this comes down to who will be less annoying if their team wins. New Yorkers or people from Atlanta?

On the one hand you have the star treatment the entire city of New York gave to that kid who interfered with the AL championship series and cost the Cardinals the first game.

On the other hand, you have the Tomahawk Chop where thousands of drunken Southerners slash their hands through the air, going "oh-oh-ohhhh-oh-oh-oh."

RESULT: Root for the Yankees

So, with the series tied at two and two, with it being anyone's game... I'm rooting for the Yankees. But, more importantly, I'm hoping they win it in six.

You may ask why. Do I want to see them deal Atlanta a crushing blow? Do I like them that much?

Not at all. It's just that game seven would be played on Sunday and I don't want to miss The X-Files.

Return To 1996 Archive

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