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August 5, 1996

Guest Columnist: Fabio Schwartz
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved


Please tell me what you would do on our first date? I'm sure a lot of "lucky" ladies will want to know.
      -Stepheny

It is a fine thing that you should ask this, because I, Fabio Schwartz, am not just the world's most beautiful (yet manly) man. I am also the world's most romantic man.

I have always believed that a first date should be fun, playful. And nothing is more playful than a porcupine. That is why the first stop on any first date with Fabio Schwartz is Pete and Polly's Discount Porcupine Park in Pomona.

And after we have played with the porcupines, the next stop on our tour of wonder is Benito MacDougal's House of Scottish Pizza. Nothing follows a fun frolic with the little creatures like a large pie with pepperoni and extra haggis.

Yet this is just the beginning. The night is still young, and so we proceed on... to the theater. But this is not just any theatrical experience. Fabio Schwartz would not bore you with the ordinary. No, we would go see "Chester!" It is an amazing musical, written by Andrew Lloyd Webber and starring Jean Claude Van Damme, based on the life of President Chester A. Arthur. When Jean Claude sings his big song, "Civil Service Reform Bill of 1883," you just want to stand up and cheer when it is over.

After this, we would go for an apres theater nightcap at the Polynesian Party Palace, where we would drink mai-tai's, eat poi, and hula until we could hula no more.

Finally, I would take you home. At your door, I would pat your head, kiss your elbow, and tell you I laahve you. Then I would think that perhaps I should not have told you this, as I can already see the desire in your eyes. You will beg me to stay, but I will refuse. You will beg me a second time, but I will refuse a second time. You will try more times.... beg, refuse, beg, refuse... until in a fit of anger, you slam the door in my face and tell me you never want to see me again.

But I will go back to my wonderful ranch-style house, sip champagne on my beige corduroy bean-bag couch, and wait for your call, because I know that you will. How could I know? Ahhh, do not forget that I know what women want. And what women want is... Fabio Schwartz!

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