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June 24, 1996

What's In A Name
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved


When you're suffering from insomnia and you've seen all the infomercials you can stomach, it's generally time to turn to cable for the late-night B-grade action film festival.

A number of B-grade movies have the same formula: many women and a small amount of bad plot to justify them taking their clothes off alot. But the B-grade action films offer just a few women and a large amount of bad plot with only a couple of short breaks in the story where they can take their clothes off. They're actually the best of both worlds, because there's not only a dose of flesh, there's also a good dose of violence, and lately you can see your favorite television and movie stars of the 70's and 80's washing-up their careers.

Most of these movies aren't hard to pick out from the pack. If you look, you'll notice that certain words commonly crop up in their titles, such as "Justice" and "Deadly." Going through just three weeks worth of TV listings, I found Backstreet Justice, Instant Justice, Street Justice, and Terminal Justice (which was one of the SIX movies starring Lorenzo Lamas). There was also Armed & Deadly, Tough & Deadly, Deadly Exposure (starring Robby Benson), Deadly Past, and Deadly Sins (starring Alyssa Milano).

To further help in the recognition of these films, you'll find that they're often sequels or a numbered installment in a series and have colons in their titles, like Excessive Force II: Force On Force. Amazing! Where else could you find a six-word title with half the words being "force"?

With the popularity of video rentals and cable, most of these movies never hit the theaters. They just go straight to tape. And these movies make money. If there wasn't a profit, they wouldn't have made Bloodfist VII: Manhunt, because I highly doubt that there was any artistic need for it or that installments 1-6 left any questions unanswered.

So as my latest business venture, I've decided to make the ultimate B-grade action flick... Deadly Blood-Kill III: Forced Cyber-Justice, starring Lorenzo Lamas, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Shannon Tweed, with special guest appearances by Jeff Conaway, Dana Plato, and Adrian Zmed. The script is "explosion, fight, sex scene, car chase, fight, fight, sex scene, explosion, motorcycle chase, fight, explosion, fight, good guy wins."

I'm gonna be rich.

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