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May 3, 1996

The Bumpkin's Lament
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved


T'was a strange and awful feeling
Made me sad and very glum
This year Publishers Clearinghouse's
Letter didn't come
No big gold seal or sticky stamps
No "You already won"
No promises of millions
Or Prize Patrolling fun

Each day I went out to the box
And waited for the mail
I knew it must have been delayed
And would come without fail
But ev'ry time the mailman stopped
Without my envelope
I was left there holding naught but bills
And looking like a dope

Ten Million Bucks! Ten Million Bucks
Such money would be grand
I'd get myself a girlfriend
And stop dating my hand
I'd buy myself a big old house
And buy a big old car
Then hire myself a chauffer-man
To drive me near and far

We'd drive right out to Vegas
Where I'd spend some right away
On booze and hookers, topless bars
And hit ev'ry buffet
We'd sit front-row Wayne Newton
And Tony Danza too
When I would ask him "Who's The Boss?"
He'd say "hey man, it's you"

A ring on every finger
A diamond in my tooth
I'd hire a herd of lawyers
And never tell the truth
I'd buy myself a congressman
And tell him how to vote
No border fence with Mexico
I'd make him dig a moat

I'd be like old Jed Clampett
And move to Beverly
Hills, that is, with swimming pools
And movie stars and brie
I'd never have to drink warm beer
No burning when I pee
And the National Enquirer
Would do an article on me

But that ain't gonna happen
It might well not take place
I stand here with my empty hands
A sad look on my face
It really would have been a hoot
But it's a gol-darn shame...

Cos' my letter from the Clearinghouse
Just never ever came

Return To 1996 Archive

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