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May 2, 1996

If I Was In Charge
Copyright 1996 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved


No one is perfectly happy with the way things work. And everyone has an opinion on how to fix it. Most often these opinions are prefaced with the phrase "if I was in charge..."

Since I have a forum to express myself here, I thought I'd toss a few of my solutions at you, because you can't stop me... Hahahaha, I'm drunk with power. I'm insane with it. And, of course, that makes me eminently qualified to be in charge!

If I Was In Charge...

I would require every trendy restaurant to have this sign on the door: "Warning! This facility is patronized by pretentious twits. Prolonged exposure to pretentious twits is known to the state of California to cause nausea, vomiting, and violent urges to knock their heads clean off."

I would have Fran Drescher muzzled and forced to wear burlap.

Making bad movies would be a crime. The punishment would be having to watch them.

I'd set up a task force whose sole purpose is to call telemarketers while they're having dinner.

I'd declare war on Guam because they'd be easy to beat and Americans really need something to feel good about.

To combat prison overcrowding, I'd make all the jails go time-share. Either that or I'd find a way to shrink the prisoners.

I'd hire a team of plastic surgeons to give Michael Jackson back his old face, which is probably sitting in a jar somewhere anyway.

Anyone caught using "innovative" and "Microsoft" in the same sentence would be charged with the crime of oxymoronism and forced to watch as their tongue was cut out and fed to rats.

I would establish a new government program, called "Cluefare," to provide aid to families with dependent children above the age of 25.

To help all the very sick people awaiting transplants, HMO's would offer every subscriber "The Wheel of Elective Surgery." Every dollar amount you hit would lower your co-payment. If you hit "Bankrupt" you would be immediately anesthetized and they'd harvest your organs.

I originally thought of decreeing that anyone caught on the Internet arguing whether Kirk or Picard is cooler would be sterilized, but most of those people don't breed anyway.

I would make Cathy Lee Gifford eat human flesh on live TV, starting with Cody, then Regis, then Frank... until she was as fat as Oprah used to be. Then I'd have Captain Stubing harpoon her and we'd sell her blubber to the Japanese.

Any man in his 40's or 50's with a sports car and a second wife or girlfriend at least 15 years younger than him would have his hair plugs yanked out one strand at a time. As an adjunct to this rule, any rich man over 75 who married a woman at least 40 years younger than him would be allowed to outlive the scheming bitch.

The state of Idaho would be fenced in and become a Federal Prison used to house anyone caught shopping at The Gap.

I'd legalize LSD and force bars to keep their accounts on blotter paper, thus giving "put it on my tab" a whole new meaning.

Michael Bolton would get his ass kicked daily.

And my final decree...

Supermodels would be required to stalk me.

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