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June 19, 1997

Diamonds In The Buff
Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

I just found out that I can have an older woman come to my home, powder my bottom, dress me in a diaper, read me stories, and feed me "nummy milkies" in a two-hour session, all for $99. This is information I really could have lived without knowing. I could have gone to my deathbed at a ripe old age and not have felt any the poorer for having missed this facet of the discount cubic zirconia we call humanity.

And to what trailer-park jewelry mart did I go to receive this offer of debauchery? Lord help me, I visited alt.personals.ads.

Is there anything more sad than the desperation of a message titled "Women Must Hate Being Treated Right"? Yes. There is the sad delusion of a man who posted "Writer Needs Sugar Mommy." As we all know, there are just so many wealthy women who cruise the personals newsgroups, hoping beyond hope that they can find a soon-to-be divorced, unemployed writer that they can financially support. Perhaps the more realistic ad was the guy who posted seeking "a slut 4 a wife." I won't go into details on how slutty, but let's just say that he wasn't joking.

In the immortal words of Dave Barry, I'm not making this stuff up, folks. It's all there. Just look around on la.personals (Los Angeles) and you'll find a dominant, bodybuilding, amazon transsexual who seeks men to be his/her/its slaves. This I didn't find surprising. What I did find surprising was that it wasn't cross-posted to alt.fan.eddie-murphy. [insert sound of rim-shot here] Thank you. You're a beautiful audience.

Now the posts by men outnumber the genuine posts by women, because as most women know, if a woman posts an ad on one of the personals newsgroups, she'll be inundated with responses. To test this hypothesis a few years ago, back when the anon.penet.fi server still existed and allowed people to post anonymously, I posted an anonymous ad from Heddy. Heddy was a disembodied head, living on life support in a university science lab, who typed with her tongue. Heddy got 35 responses.

But still, you have to wonder if the posts from men are all that true. When I see a subject line like "Brain Destroyed By Television," well, I have to read that ad. Let's look at how it opens...

SWM virgin, 39 (looks much younger) seeking a
trophy wife with upper-class looks and attitude
to take to my next high-school reunion... Should
be willing to wear a chastity belt, or at
least a locking bracelet. I will reciprocate.

The sad thing is that he might actually get a response. Even more sad is that the woman will think he was joking and will find out he wasn't.

Yet the best post of this go-round, the one with which we will end tonight, belonged to Billy (name changed). In response to the ad "Sexy Young Blonde Needs Sex," in which Sexycath offered an invitation to her home page where interested guys could find some nice steamy photos of her, Billy wrote...

Hi,
My name is Billy and I am 13 years old.
I love to see pics of hot, good sex!

Thank you, Senator.

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