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June 5, 1997

Groping Around
Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved

In the movie Kindergarten Cop, that adorable little tyke, Miko Hughes, said it best... "Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina." This is lesson one of sex education, yet apparently it seems to have escaped the curriculum vitae of some internet denizens.

It seems that more than once there have been stories of a couple who met on the internet, got married, and weeks or months after the wedding one partner found out that the other partner wasn't the sex they claimed to be. Then they sued the gender-bender and it ended up in the papers. Of course this isn't as stupid as the woman who is suing a drug store for getting pregnant because no one told her that the proper use of contraceptive jelly isn't eating it on toast, but it ranks right up there.

I'll admit that there are some old fashioned people who don't see each other fully naked until the wedding night or perhaps even later, and a good gender-bender could pass a purely visual inspection if allowed to remain fully clothed. But you don't need a prospective mate to stand before you in the buff and do a little catwalk twirl to show off the latest rage in genitalia this season. People, please! Cop a feel, sneak a peek. If you're too shy for all of that, go to the same doctor for a pre-wedding check-up then slip him a fifty to report back if there's anything unusual about your future wife... A sixth toe, a third nipple, a penis maybe.

But it's not only men pulling this scam. The latest is a woman who "unknowingly" married another woman who was pretending to be a man. Didn't she notice at least once while they were slow dancing that nothing was poking her? Even if the pretender was "stuffing," so the other woman could cop a feel and find something down there, she'd just need to extend the feel a few moments. Most women I know, if they weren't suspicious, would at least be insulted when that sock didn't suddenly get a dose of starch.

We're not talking about transexuals here folks. These are not people who have had surgery to get the right body parts and just have the wrong chromosomes. These are men and women who are merely playing a good game of dress-up, and they're fooling people of the same gender into marrying them.

Is this an epidemic? I hope not. Only the tiniest fraction of online romances turn out this sour. And I'd suggest legislation, but that would be a waste of our lawmakers' time. Really it just comes down to one simple rule, a lesson I hope will propagate across the internet with blinding speed. Folks, please... before you marry someone, at least give 'em a good grope. You'll be happier you did. And if everything turns out to be in order, well, you'll both be happier.


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