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February 6, 1997

A Gaudy Bridge
Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved


I'll admit, I didn't watch the State of The Union Address on Tuesday. So sue me. The OJ verdict was due to come down any minute. But I did catch the highlights, and there's something I have to comment on... Clinton's proposal that the first two years of college should be as common as high school.

The first two years of college are high school. The fact that you can actually find algebra in a college coursebook confirms it. Face it, our high schools are turning out graduates who need a calculator and an instructional video to make change for a dollar.

And don't get me started on the censorship that goes on in our colleges when kids get there. The following is a segment of a letter to the editor that I had published in the college paper back in '94. Of course, keep in mind that I was actually one the "editors and artists responsible for this garbage" that I vilify.

Did you know that the current issue of Mosaic, the UCR literary magazine that is presently on sale in the bookstore, shows female breasts? Heck, there's a story in there with the word "fag" in its dialogue. There's a poem titled "Islamic Whore." And in the poem, "A Tale Told," a Mexican character drinks whiskey and is shot while breaking into a house.

I am hopeful that this magazine will be protested vigorously. The amount of offensive material in it is incredible and we must organize to stop such outrages. Maybe we can get the editors and artists responsible for this garbage kicked out of school.

Then, once that is done, we must stop the English department from teaching Shakespeare. There's a line in Henry VI that suggests killing all the lawyers. What about all of our philosophy and political science majors who intend to go to law school? That line encourages violence against them. I'm telling you, Shakespeare is a real threat. Henry IV, in some of the lines regarding Falstaff, insults fat people. Richard III puts a hunchback in the role of villain, negatively portraying the physically disfigured. Need I go on? It's an outrage.

And, while we're at it, we'll stop the Physics department from teaching anything that conflicts with The Bible because we can't offend the Christians. We can't teach about Christ, though, because that will offend the Jews. Actually, I think we have to eliminate Western culture altogether because we don't want to offend any non-Western students. As a matter of fact, when we get through with eliminating everything that might offend someone, we'll be the best university for math in the nation. That is, of course, because math will be all we have left... until we offend dumb people.

We'll just pass the idiots through, like they got passed through in high school, because we're too afraid of offending someone or getting sued. It won't be two years of college. It will truly become the fifth and sixth years of high school.

If I were to compare our educational system to a car, I'd say that all Clinton is trying to do is give us more leg room. It's all superficial, all changes in the body, while we constantly trim down the engine to be able to afford it. We keep trying to get the coolest looking and most comfortable car on the block instead of the most powerful.

Well I say strip out the walnut trim and the leather seats, make that backseat so damn uncomfortable that no one wants to be in it, and let's put back a big-block V8 with massive amounts of power off the line. Why are we going for a zero-emissions policy with education when the only emissions are ideas? In a free society, no one should be afraid to breathe in a few more of those.

All in all... The day I go to McDonalds and don't confuse the cashiers, then I'll pop with tax dollars to put everyone through two more years of school. But right now, I'm sick and tired of paying thousands of dollars a year to lease an Edsel. Got it?

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